Tools Defined

Tonight we are going to lighten the mood just a little bit. For those of you who don't know me, I am a tool nut. I just love tools, all kinds of tools. If I see a tool I don't currently have but just might need some day, I look for all kinds of reasons to purchase the tool. What I find I do now is to find hobbies that require tools I don't currently have. It is an obsession, so in light of that, I wanted to help everyone else who isn't as crazy about tools or may not choose touch them by defining some of the ones you would see on a regular basis (I found these in a local paper and though they were awesome). Those of you who use tools should also enjoy these definitions:

DRILL PRESS - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smack you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL - Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh crap!"

SKILL SAW - A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS - Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER - An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW - One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS - Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH - Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW - A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HOSE CUTTER - A tool used to make hoses too short.

BAND SAW - A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

I hope you enjoyed these. Tomorrow I will provide you with some more of these fun definitions.

Until tomorrow...