More Tool Definitions

As promised today is part two of the list of tool definitions. As much as I love to play with my tools, these definitions are a lot of fun. Unfortunately, I have to admit that I can agree with many of these definitions:

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST - A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREW-DRIVER - Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREW-DRIVER - A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR - A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HAMMER - Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE - Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. It is especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

S-O-B TOOL - (My personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a @$#$" at the top of your lungs. It will also, most often, be the next tool that you will need.

Hopefully these definitions put a smile on your face. Tomorrow we will get back to weightier subjects.

Until tomorrow...